A Matter Of Attribution

Sometimes life seems so opaque, absurd and random one can feel adrift. Thank God(s) we have inspirational leaders in our midst to un-riddle it.

How else, but with an evangelical preacher here and an Ayatollah there, to explain the true meaning of volcanic eruptions, tsunamis and other cataclysmic burps. Only they know to whom we can attribute these signals from beyond. These are the holy men who, in their infinite wisdom, can teach us about blame and punishment, which country to invade and whom to hate.

Leviticus lives! Isn't it obvious we have offended that early God who never learned how to control his tantrums. God forbid he should go to a temper management program or get on a mood stabilizer.

The ash cloud over Europe is clearly Allah's way of dispensing his displeasure over an excess of female flesh revealed, so says Ahmadinejad and his spiritual guides.Who can argue with that?;certainly not Pat Robertson or the late great Jerry Falwell. It's all about flesh and fornicators. Particularly Gay fornicators who were responsible for Katrina or was it 9/11?

I propose that their Ayatollahs and ours meet on some infidel island where their joint messianic urges can be satisfied. An agenda might be agreed upon for future acts of God. They can be introduced to their counterparts and join together in mutual scorn for the godless world. I suggest a chorus of rage against science, a shared vehemence toward “deviant” behavior and finally a pact for punitive measures. We know what devilish deeds we’ve done. A global scolding is now called for. The fundamentalist things of life, as time goes by.

Our men of God can interpret the floods and fires and they can have the quakes. Why not prepare an advanced list so they won't be caught speechless for future calamities? I can hardly wait for the next meteorological act of God, assassination or pandemic and why not power failure or Sig Alert....so we can feel secure in our alignment the Almighty(s).

It's such a comfort for us, the congregation of the lost, to be shepherded through these times of upheaval by men with a direct line to the great puppeteers in the sky.