Damascus On Line One

I just got a call from Bashar al-Assad. He wants me to become a double agent.  I started to tell him he had the wrong number but then I remembered I already was a double agent. I had infiltrated Red States when I agreed with Rand Paul this past week and even considered going to a gun show nostalgic for my old water pistol. Assad repeated his offer. I figured I could use the extra money to pay for my overdue library books.

He said he needs me to listen to what Americans are saying about Obama’s strike across his bow. I told him I don’t get out much anymore except for crowded elevators in medical buildings and lunch with friends. He suggested I might ride up and down for a few hours and also overhear what average citizens are saying in the next booth in restaurants. I told him my hearing wasn’t too good particularly with ambient noise from waiters auditioning for parts in B movies.

He then asked me where his bow was. I told him it was just a figure of speech; it could mean the end of a palace or two with collateral damage that might destroy a few dry cleaner stores with some prayer rugs.

I took a chance and asked why he resorted to Sarin gas. He said it was his crazy son-in-law who belongs in a temper-management program. I knew what he was talking about remembering my crazy uncle who we let out of the attic room once a year for Thanksgiving dinner.

I thanked him for breaking the Red and Blue divide in my country. Everyone is making new friends or at least putting up with each other. Because of Assad anti-Viet Nam war activists like Kerry are now rattling their drones and old Neo-Cons like Rumsfeld sound like conscientious objectors…though some want to erase Syria from the map..... if they could only find it.  Reds and Blues are mingling their t-shirts in all-night laundromats. A truce has been called in food-fights. Unitarians have been spotted in Southern Baptist churches and red necks are taking English as a second language.

When I requested an advance on my commission the line went dead. Hello, hello, I barked. I heard a few clicks and beeps with a message that I had two calls waiting. One from Edward Snowden (who had nothing better to do) and the other from the NSA.