(This blog was originally posted in July 2010 but, as if to demonstrate my computer illiteracy, I pushed the wrong button and deleted it..........so I'm now restoring it in the only way I know how.)
The closer we grow together, be it in marriage or friendship, we reveal our hot buttons. The relationship evolves as those sensitivities are respected and handled with care.
Now I must write that on the blackboard a few hundred times and maybe I'll learn to follow it.
What is it about e-mail? It seems to call out for a hasty response and can be the carrier of blurts. It offers the illusion of a parting shout at a distance, with impunity, across a chasm. It's a conversation without an immediate retort. However it lacks the tone, inflection and facial language that happens in conversation. The wagging tongue on the page might actually be lodged firmly in a cheek. E-mail is a dangerous toy. One man's chuckle may be another's poison. Even acting as conduit demands caution and discretion.
Though it is over twenty years old we still don't quite know the rules of engagement; the ethics or the full potential and perils inherent.
If telephone voices were transcribed to the page the benign banter or jocularity might well be lost. It begs the question about the nature of the way we communicate in this age of text-messaging and tweets.
Looking back at the 19th century of belles lettres I suspect literacy was less pervasive and more prized. Words were carefully chosen, weighed and measured and nothing was more admired than a well-turned phrase. I'm sure Oscar Wilde got many free meals for the price of a bon mot. But if someone misspoke it might mean pistols at daybreak.
Today we have a population of barely literate young folks who can read, if they must, but have difficulty composing an elegant sentence. They receive messages in bytes and slogans, think that way and express themselves in minimal squiggles. E-mail is already three technologies old. My grandchildren never look at theirs. Why waste all that time when the next best video game awaits?
For those of us of a certain age e-mail has become a primary means of contact, across the miles or across the street. I get into some fevered dialog; sometimes I'm the instigator, sometimes I am just defender of the faith or cause or team. It's hard to apply duct tape to the keyboard; particularly so having staked out some highly minority positions.
I hereby resolve to hold my acerbic tongue, to count to infinity before passing along "funnies" that might not be so construed and to avoid confrontational material that could result in the 21st century equivalent to a duel at dawn.
Over time some of these raw nerves might be revisited for the "blurtee". And perhaps more deliberation can be extended accordingly on the part of the blurter.
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Well articulated and thought provoking. I did some examining of self and realized that when I "blurt" back an email I often want to grab it back within seconds after hitting that blasted send button. As a result, when receiving an annoying email from ultra liberal friends I blurt at the monitor, decide to come back later, wipe my spittle from the screen and close the mail program. I then rant to my wife about those frikking bleeding hearts. She in turn tells me I should be more tolerant which in turn has me blurting at her and I see in her eyes that I have hurt her which loads me with guilt and I blame the liberals, hurry back to the computer and send a nasty reply, much nastier than they would have been had I answered immediately. . . . and so it goes.
ReplyDeleteSo, after reading your thought provoking post I have made a list of subject matter on which I am committed not to answer for at least three days or in some cases never in order not to lose any more friends or family members who won't speak to me. I have pasted the list in the corner of my monitor as a reminder of what I promised. The list reads as follows:
1. Anti gay or black jokes.
2. Jewish jokes with an anti Semitic hidden agenda.
3. Mention of "we should open the borders to all" ideas
4. Israel mistreats the Palestinians.
5. Last minute "I can't keep my appointment because I have to trim my nose hair."
6. Global warming is bullshit.
7. Wait a little longer for people who don't respond to my emails (other than jokes)
8. An item that can be hurtful to someone that is untrue and unchecked as to its truthfulness.
9. Any emails from F or F asking for money.
10 The Yankees really only win so much because they throw money at people.
11 Gore invented the Internet jokes.
12 People who quote Limbaugh, Beck or O'Reilly.
13 People who write to tell me that my joke wasn't funny.
I should no doubt wait before hitting the send button now but . . .
Well articulated and thought provoking. I did some examining of self and realized that when I "blurt" back an email I often want to grab it back within seconds after hitting that blasted send button. As a result, when receiving an annoying email from ultra liberal friends I blurt at the monitor, decide to come back later, wipe my spittle from the screen and close the mail program. I then rant to my wife about those frikking bleeding hearts. She in turn tells me I should be more tolerant which in turn has me blurting at her and I see in her eyes that I have hurt her which loads me with guilt and I blame the liberals, hurry back to the computer and send a nasty reply, much nastier than they would have been had I answered immediately. . . . and so it goes.
ReplyDeleteSo, after reading your thought provoking post I have made a list of subject matter on which I am committed not to answer for at least three days or in some cases never in order not to lose any more friends or family members who won't speak to me. I have pasted the list in the corner of my monitor as a reminder of what I promised. The list reads as follows:
1. Anti gay or black jokes.
2. Jewish jokes with an anti Semitic hidden agenda.
3. Mention of "we should open the borders to all" ideas
4. Israel mistreats the Palestinians.
5. Last minute "I can't keep my appointment because I have to trim my nose hair."
6. Global warming is bullshit.
7. Wait a little longer for people who don't respond to my emails (other than jokes)
8. An item that can be hurtful to someone that is untrue and unchecked as to its truthfulness.
9. Any emails from F or F asking for money.
10 The Yankees really only win so much because they throw money at people.
11 Gore invented the Internet jokes.
12 People who quote Limbaugh, Beck or O'Reilly.
13 People who write to tell me that my joke wasn't funny.
I should no doubt wait before hitting the send button now but . . .
I agree with most of this. Face to face communication is still the best, though, people do get into fights even face to face. And the telephone is second best because we can hear the tone of the voice. In the end, I think the problem lies with the humans who use the technology and not the technology. Rarely, have I sent an email that I regretted. That does not mean I don't get angry or say stupid things. I just don't do it in writing since it is more permanent and can come back to haunt you.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I take issue with is the younger generation who does not read. I lay the blame on the parents not the technology. Parents need to read to their children from a young age. I read the Hobbit to my daughter when she was 4 years old. She grew up reading and loving books. We are caring for my wife's 2 year old great-niece. She loves books. Her favorite bedtime story is Goldilocks and the Three Bears which I tell her every night at bedtime. Literacy starts with the parents.
Harley- You are a model citizen. Proper constraint and no regretable emals. Wow! I suppose the ease of electronic messaging taps into my impulsive side. I think we haven't yet fully come to terms with this new technology...it's ethics, its perils or power to
ReplyDeletegather together kindred spirits.
And hats off to your children born into a far different world than we knew as kids.
In my early days in business, I would spend hours crafting memos to be sure I got them right. I learned fast not to put anything on paper that might come back to haunt me. I still occasionally spend hours crafting and reviewing business emails before I send them.
ReplyDeleteWhere I don't spend as much time reviewing what I am writing is in responding to blogs. I probably should be more careful here too. The problem is the font is too small and I can't print and review. I think the inability to print means I don't review enough. And I have never got into texting and hope I never do.
When it came to creative writing, I would also spend hours writing and rewriting my haiku, poetry and short stories. I spend 4 years on a novel. But I have changed over the last 15 years and I worry a lot less about spelling and grammar and word choice. I will write a poem once, maybe twice. Perfection is unachievable. If out of thousands of poems I have written one is remembered, I am satisfied. If not, I am satisfied.
ReplyDeleteI have lived too long to have regrets. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Did I say things that hurt people? Yes. Did I apologize? Yes. Do I regret? No. Life is too short to worry about what is past. In the end I have lived the life I was supposed to live and learned the lessons that I was supposed to learn. If I come back again, we will see what happens next time.