Friday, April 17, 2015

Presidential Bid

5:20 AM and I hear the voice of the Lord saying, Go forth. So I get up to pee but that isn’t it. The sound is either a calling for public office or a garbage truck backing up. I decide I am being summoned to throw my hat in the ring. Why not, with all the knuckleheads, wannabes and also-rans already declaring themselves.

We are faced with Rand, Rick, Mike, Mark, Lindsay, Carly, Bobby, Jeb or God-forbid Ted to name a few, already lined up just left of Louis XVI . Hillary hasn't learned how to fake authenticity as well as her husband. As far as I can make out they're all saying: We have those hard-working poor and the filthy rich. I know, I’m one of them. We need to fix that. Elect me and I’ll think of something. When Wall St. is targeted the investment bankers know they don't mean it. None address the systemic changes that need to happen.

Even with Bernie Sanders speaking truth to power I sense a space for myself on the spectrum. After all Elizabeth Warren is sitting this one out and McGovern is still dead. The alternative is to learn Canadian as a second language.

True, I’ve had little experience as an elected official. I last won the public trust as pencil monitor in 3rd grade. I used to get high on wood shavings. Before that I had a stint as milk monitor in kindergarten. The temptation for embezzlement never crossed my mind…. until now. Another missed opportunity.

My program is aimed at a broad audience. To confront the issue of crime in the streets I would favor less streets and slow bullets eventually leading to water pistols. I’m also an advocate for short lines and leniency on overdue library books. If elected I would support mandatory mixed marriages thus removing all racial and religious divides. Police would be required to obtain an advanced degree in temper-management, mindfulness, sensitivity-training, Buddhism, psychotherapy and genetic modification.

On day one I would dissolve Congress and convene a second constitutional convention. I would then urge impeachment of five Supreme Court members. They know who they are…. for malfeasance, dereliction, abuse of their prerogatives and obstruction of justice. Eighteen years would be the new term of office, staggered so that two appointments would be granted each president during his four-year term. No other country has lifetime tenure for their high court. In fact nowhere is this mentioned in our Constitution either.

All off-shore bank accounts shall be closed, brought home and taxed like us, the 99%, with no loop holes. Penalty for legal chicanery would be revocation of passport.

With campaigning limited to six weeks and the lid on contributions at $2,000 we would be spared months of posturing, hollow rhetoric and other forms of noise pollution to say nothing of buying elections.

I would hope to receive grass root support from the none-of-the-above crowd who traditionally sit it out forming the largest constituency among registered voters. 

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