Greenland

Ever since it was announced as Trump’s wet dream, Greenland has become one of the most Googled countries in the world. Maybe Donald saw a map in which it looked larger than Africa and thought, why not a golf course with hotels?

In fact, it is about three times the size of Texas or equal to Denmark, Belgium and Norway, put together. Greenland is the least densely populated country in the world but that could change with the U.S. claim of Lebenstraum. (living space).

At the rate we are warming the biosphere, chunks of Greenland might soon be seen floating down the Hudson River. But why wait for that since the administration has designated it as essential for our security. This is a shorthand message to China and Russia. You take yours and we’ll take ours.

400,000 years ago, give or take a week, an asteroid cratered NW Greenland and the forested country became a tundra in a blink of a muskoxen. The change was not incremental; it was sudden. Scientists know this because leaves of willow and spruce have been found under the ice.

Forget about plant life, gold and platinum are calling. Think of all the toilet seats. Of course, grabbing Greenland might mean diverting the Caribbean fleet from its mission of vengeance against bad actors, as opposed to good dictators.

On our way to Greenland, we might as well annex Labrador. You don’t hear much about Labrador these days. Google it and you get eleven pages on Labrador retrievers and two articles about the country.  In fact, it isn’t a country. It isn’t even a province. Labrador is part of the Canadian province known as Newfoundland-Labrador. Labrador is twice the size of the island but has only 8% of the population. Most folks live in Happy Valley-Goose Bay.    

Labrador could fit inside Nevada but might also be deemed essential to our security. The climate varies from polar to sub-arctic, not a choice spot for beach volleyball or even a frozen yogurt store though the views are spectacular. It is probably a great place for an immigrant-detention program and a certain destination if you are a polar bear. There are currently 28,000 people living there and 100,000 moose.

Moose are the most dangerous animal in North America. Why? Because they are taller than cars, drawn to headlights and if you should hit one expect 1,100 pounds to fall through your windshield. I would also expect word travels fast among the moose population that another human predator is loose.

Indeed, we have become world-class predators. Cartographers are working through the night redrawing maps.