Pitching the Movie of Our Days...In A Time Warp

(For cinephiles and septuagenarians or beyond)

Louis B. Mayer: I'll give you ten minutes. What have you got?

Me: I have this script about a delusional megalomaniac who takes over the country.

Mayer: What is it, a horror movie? Bela Lugosi?
Me: Think of it as The Rotten Tomato That Ate Chicago.

Mayer: So tell me more.
Me: He is elected President...twice and puts a wrecking ball to half the White House.

Mayer: I haven’t got time for this. You say a crazy guy wins two elections?
Me: Right, it's sort of a comic book, apocalyptic, political thriller.

Me: I can see Citizen Kane dumbed down to a blabbering Rosebud.
Mayer: You mean Orson Welles in the Cuckoo's Nest?

Me: More like P.T. Barnum meets Al Capone. Or Huey Long

merged with Elmer Gantry.

Mayer: Capone? We can use George Raft.
Me: No, he’s more than a gangster, he barks like Edward G. Robinson.

Mayer: Sounds like a musical comedy. it’s over-budget already.
Me: Listen to me, L.B., you only need one actor and a mob.

Mayer: A mob? Get me Frank Capra on line one.
Me: You’ll never regret it. You can use a lot of out-of-work extras.

Mayer: Sounds like a cast of thousands. Bring in DeMille.

Me; More like a zany madcap romp with body bags.
Mayer: Get me Preston Sturgis and Stanley Kramer.

Mayer: It may play in the Brown Derby but we need the Heartland.
Me: It will be a blockbuster. Everyman gone berserk. Think of the foreign market; dictators will love it.

Me: You'll need lots of red ties and MAGA red caps.

Mayer: Hold on here. That's too close to MGM. Scrap that.

Mayer: What about females, that's a must. Stanwyck is under contract and we've got dozens of starlets.

Me: We can use them all. The guy is salacious. 

Mayer: How about the ending?  It's got to be happy.

Me: Trust me, L.B. we’ll see him in a long shot. A guy in an orange jumpsuit picking up trash from a homeless encampment.