Our illustrious president, at 6 ft. 3 in. is pushing 240 lbs. which is unaccountable since he is a hollow man, but I suppose those Big Macs can add up. His official height, at 6 ft. 3 in. might include the bumper crop on top of his crown and an ego to dwarf the Eiffel Tower which makes up for an an absence of conscience and cognitive function.
Ever since David met Goliath in the great mismatch of pre-history, we've been rooting for underdogs. Or so we say. But when it comes to voting we tend to go big. Lincoln, at six ft. 4 in. was a full foot taller than Stephen A. Douglas who got trampled. Of course Lincoln was also stronger having built the log cabin he was born in. Abe was a gentle Goliath whom the Bible claims was nine feet tall. Michelangelo compensated for the disadvantage by sculpting David to seventeen feet.
William Howard Taft is probably the last obese president we’ll ever see. A wide girth doesn't play well on social media. There is a chair built specially for him at the Riverside Mission Inn which looks more like a couch to accommodate his considerable tush. Taft is said to have gotten stuck once in the White House bathtub. All 354 pounds of himself was almost enough to sink the ship of state.
Height counts; more than weight. George Washington and Thomas Jefferson put aside their prospective careers as power forwards in the NBA to found our country. Both were 6 ft. 3 in. give or take an inch. Madison was also 6 ft. 3 in. when on his horse. He is reported to have had a great outside shot but was too busy writing our Constitution.
Beethoven also had a tiny strike zone at 5 ft. 3 in spite of which, thankfully, he did what he did instead of becoming a baseball player. The result is our ode to joy. You didn’t have to be tall to be great in those days. It is doubtful Napoleon had a Napoleonic complex. He was the average height at 5 ft. 6 in. Genghis Khan was more deserving of that term at a mere 5 ft. 1 in. when he finally got off his high horse.
Andrew Carnegie penny-pinched himself to an even 5 ft. while his labor force worked 7 days/week, 12 hours/day. At the same height, Danny DiVito seems to have ended up hawking submarine sandwiches which, somehow, seems apt.
I was surprised to learn that Stalin was a tiny 5 ft. 6 in. to FDR’s 6 ft. 3 in. I suppose they came in at equal numbers with Roosevelt in his wheelchair. Puny Putin twirls Trump around his finger while giving up 8 inches to our inspirational leader. The same sems to be true of the North Korean dictator, Kim Jun Un. Our potentate seems to be drawn to diminutive despots.
Mickey Rooney, at 5 ft. 2 in, was once asked how he managed to accumulate so many tall show girls. He said that he lied about his height. His first wife was Ava Gardner; between them there were 16 marriages. Judy Garland wasn’t one of them. At 4 ft. 11 in., she almost made Mickey look tall except that her booming voice seem to fill the room.
I pray that the Dems come up with a candidate about 6 ft. tall (no need to slam-dunk) trim, well-spoken but not too eloquent; we don't want to alienate six-grade dropouts, also fluent in Spanish, tech-speak and trash talk should the occasion arise. I want a Progressive with a closet free of skeletons, 2.5 children, who refuses money from AIPAC but welcomes contributions with no strings. Someone for whom no constituency will stay home; a tall order.
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